


We Try To Hide Our Feeling But We Forget That Our Eyes speak

by Winterfalcon15



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bisexual Foggy Nelson, Bisexual Matt Murdock, Blind Character, Blood, Dark, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fear, Gen, Human Disaster Matt Murdock, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Matt Murdock Needs a Hug, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Foggy Nelson, Scars, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:01:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25692502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winterfalcon15/pseuds/Winterfalcon15
Summary: HEY! So this is a really fucking depressing fic that I'm trying out. I don't know if I'll continue but I'll try :)So basically Matt is really depressed and has some other issues aswell. Foggy tries to help and love comes in but Matt, he doesn't think he deserves to love but Foggy won't give up on him.You know a bit of fluff and a hell of a lot of depressing shit.Okay! Now time for the warnings yay! So umm, Self harm, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, PTSD, depression. If any of these triggers you then please don't read or just acknowledge that you have been warned!Also nobody I know has any of these issues nor do I. Im basically going off on my view of it all. If I do somehow offend anyone or write something that doesn't make much sense of the issue then please tell me I dont want to hurt anyone.So enjoy reading!
Relationships: Matt Murdock & Franklin "Foggy" Nelson, Matt Murdock/Franklin "Foggy" Nelson
Kudos: 17





	We Try To Hide Our Feeling But We Forget That Our Eyes speak

**Author's Note:**

> HI! So another quick reminder if this does offend you or doesn't make much sense to the issue in some way please tell me I don't want to hurt anyone! 
> 
> Tags will change btw. I'm just testing the water right now:)

Matt just wants to be loved like every other person but the feeling of someone loving him was never going to be there because he doesn't deserve love. He doesn't deserve the touch of someone's hands on his body, he doesn't deserve the reassurance that someone loves him; he doesn't deserve anything.

Most the time he just feels pain and when he doesn't, he feels fear and regret. All he does is hurt the people he loves and its dangerous for him to love but it's a feeling he can't help. He lies, he regrets, he hurts, he loves but he never murders. He doesn't want that, he just wants everyone to be safe, happy and loved, but it's never the same for him; it never was.

___

Matt walked into the 'Nelson and Murdocks law firm'. He remembers when they first came up with it, they wanted to help people and Foggy did and was but Matt he just hurt more people.

He doesn't remember the time he came in, he doesn't remember leaving the apartment and he doesn't remember how he got there. He remembers the tears running down his eyes, he remembers him sitting down in his chair and he remembers sobbing. He could have been sitting there for minutes, hours, even days but Karen arrived at six o'clock. So he knew he had been crying in his desk chair for more than five hours.

"Hey!" She greeted like she usually does (cheerfully) but there was suspicion in her tone and a confused look on her face. Matt knew she knew something, he should be worried but he has nothing else to lose. Well, maybe his life but he didn't care if he dropped dead right this moment. He just wanted everyone to be safe.

"Everything okay?" She asked suddenly concerned when he didn't answer her greeting. 'Everything okay?' How could Matt answer that? He wasn't okay but he has to be okay because if he isn't okay he's vulnerable and depressed and he pulls his friends down and it gets people hurt and he can't have that, right?

"Yeah, sorry I was lost in thought" He lied, his voice was raspy after sobbing so hard from early this morning. The apology was pure but not for the right reasons he was sorry for so much more than not answering her 'hey!' He was sorry for hurting her, scaring her, lying to her and for loving her but she didn't know that because for most of what he was sorry for she had no idea and that hurt even more.

She didn't say anything else but leave. He didn't know Why she just left. Was she catching on to him? Then he heard someone talking in the other open room. It was Foggy. How did he not hear him come in? Was he so fucked up right now that his own advantage was gone and what was he left with? No sight, no worth and no life.

Matt got up after a few minutes of his selfish pathetic self pity party. He went to grab his cane and then it hit him. He didn't bring his cane or glasses by matter of fact but without his senses working properly, he was just a blind man.

He walked into his table and then stumbled out where he felt the gaze of his former 'friends' staring at him. At least he still had the sense of that. Karen walked up to him and sighed loudly. Matt didn't know why, what possible reason does Karen have the need to sigh and look at him like that?

"Where's your cane?" She asked. Oh yeah! Matt the fucked up asshole forgot it. How was he going to cover this? "Yeah I must have forgot it?" No no that wouldn't be believable. A blind man forgets the one thing that helps him navigate around the world?

"I don't know" was the response he gave because for the first time in his life, he felt helpless, he felt nothing? Like he was numb. Why couldn't he feel? Maybe this is what he deserves. God is punishing him for his sins. He couldn't blame God for that, he deserved way more than this.

"Well, you must have brought it with you. How else would you have got here?" She said with a soft smile he didn't deserve. Yes! He must have brought it because he's blind. Wait no? He's lying to Karen. That's right? 

"Maybe I dropped it?" Another lie. Wow! Matt you are on a role. Every lie Matt tells, it breaks him just a little bit more and that feeling is becoming more frequent as they speak but it will never end not until he ends.

Foggy huffed loudly with frustration "God, Matt! Can't you do anything right!?" He shouted. No he couldn't, everywhere he went, everything he touched, everyone he loved. The feeling of trying to help and failing is like the feeling of someone stabbing him in the heart until he couldn't even feel pain and all he felt was nothing.

"Foggy! I know you guys are arguing but do you have to be so cruel?!" Karen complained. Cruel? Foggy? Foggy wasn't cruel? He was the opposite and this whole time Matt's been holding him in place. He dragged him to this law firm and then he dragged him even further down and all Foggy does is try to find the light but Matt is the dark that Foggy locks up and hides just so he can find the good. Matt's always liked that about Foggy; his determination.

"You wouldn't understand!" Foggy said. Matt's not even sure Foggy understands. How does Foggy do it? How does Karen do it? How do they live, thinking they have their lives together when Matt's sitting right there tearing them apart.

"I'm sorry" Matt apologised again. He could see Foggy knew mostly why he was apologising. For the fear, for the pain, for the regret, for the lying, for everything they never deserved. For every moment that was ripped down by him, for the hate, for the love, for the grief. Matt was sorry for entering their lives and not leaving but the feeling of leaving now was different. The fear of having nobody was different to being alone. When you're alone you know you have people but are scared to ask, when you have nobody, there is not one person you can go to but yourself and that would make it so much worst. Having nobody is worst than being dead, at least when you're dead you can't burden anybody, you can't hurt no one and you can't feel.

"Matt. I think me and you should have a chat later and sort it out. Stuff like, What's going to happen" Foggy explained. Foggy is going to leave him and then truly he has nothing. If he loses the only thing holding him together, it would be like taking away his air. It wouldn't even matter if they took his air anyway because what would be his point of living when there is nothing to live for.

"You guys can go now? We have no clients today anyway. Go talk in Matts apartment and sort this shit out" Karen said. Is that it? They talk and then it's all okay because what? They know each other's feelings and needs? That won't help anything. He will still feel nothing and Foggy will still hate him.

"Okay thanks Kare! Here? I'm sticking my elbow out so I can guide you" He placed his arm around Foggy's. Matt loved Foggy more than anything but why would he burden that on Foggy. He didn't deserve Foggy and Foggy could find someone way better than him.

___

They sat down on his uncomfortable sofa. He gripped it as his knuckles turned white. Foggy passed him a glass of water. Which he took, mostly for Foggy's sake.

"I love you" Matt couldn't believe that the man he once thought hated him was saying he loved him. It left a warm feeling in his stomach which was quickly taken over by guilt. Foggy shouldn't love Matt, he's dangerous and deserves no one's love.

"I love you too but you shouldn't love me!" Matt said. That was the first real sentence Matt had said since he met Foggy. It was true he loved him but he knew Foggy shouldn't love him. What was there for him to love? Matt's depression, Matt's despair, Matt's fear. There was nothing to love; there would never be anything to love.

"Why!? Because I do Matt. I love you so much it hurts to see you lie to me but I could never hate you! Maybe for a moment but I don't want this to ruin our friendship. I want us to carry on our firm and I want us to try to get a similar place of where we were. It will never be the same but we can try!" Matt didn't know what to say. What do you say to a man that just wants to help you feel good and care about you when there is nothing to care about.

"I want the same Foggy. You don't understand how sorry I am about lying" Matt wants what Foggy wants but that would just end up hurting Foggy again and again but he could try to focus on not putting Foggy in anymore pain than he had done.

"You made a mistake and we can just look past it now, So buds?" Foggy held out his hands for Matt to embrace himself into and Matt did because that's where he was truly safe, in Foggy's arms and for a slight moment Matt thought he felt something.

"This doesn't mean I approve of Daredevil Matty" of course Foggy wouldn't agree it's totally understandable for what it is. Matt goes out at night in nothing but a suit and comes back half dead. Why would Foggy agree to liking stuff like that? But Matt mostly knew because Foggy's a good person unlike him.

"I stopped" This was the truth, he had stopped mostly because how could he save people if he can't even save himself. It could help him with his anger but he would probably feel numb and guilt would flood in as soon as he realized what he had done and then it would eat him up and Foggy would be disappointed in him and leave; that scared him alot.

"Wow! Buddy. I'm proud of you" Them words made a small smile appear on Matt's lips. He hadn't heard them words in weeks and they always made him feel special and like he's worth something. At that moment he realized that he couldn't live without Foggy. There was no universe that Matt could carry on his life without Foggy besides him.

Matt wanted to do better but how could he do better if there was no reason to get better. How do you get the courage to make your life worth living for and get help because that's all Matt wants Foggy, his friends and a Family but right now he has Foggy and that will always be enough for Matt.

Matt has loved Foggy since the day they met and he doesn't mean friendly love or Brotherly love he meant love love. The love that takes him a few seconds to recover when he walks in the room or the butterflys that flutter up in his stomach and make him feel fuzzy inside or the way he forgets he's talking because he's too lost in the other mans eyes. That love, the love that you would do anything to have, the love that you would do anything to keep, the love you want to protect, the kind of love that makes everything okay even when nothing is okay. Matt wants that but how could he have something that made him so selfish for even thinking about it. He just wants to feel again, to touch again, to smile again, to help again and to love again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Sorry for any grammar or punctuation mistakes. Just let me know and I will change them!?
> 
> Have a great day/night!
> 
> Stay safe!


End file.
